Our Run In With the Law

An officer was sent out to our house after Jeff accidentally called 911. He was calling in for a conference call. His first mistake was that he dialed 9 to get an outside line. I remember reading somewhere that you know you work too much when you dial 9 for an outside line at your own house. The second mistake was that instead of dialing 1-800 yada, yada, yada…he dialed 11-800 yada, yada, yada. The third mistake was when the officer arrived at our house he denied the whole thing. There I am with an officer at the door, shouting upstairs to Jeff while he is on his very-important-not-to-be-disturbed-conference call.

Officer: (looking very serious and stern) – Good afternoon. I received a 911 call at approximately 14:58 from this residence. We tried to call the line back but it was busy.

Me: (looking very caught off guard because the kids were taking a nap, Jeff was busy working, and I sure as heck didn’t call anyone). That’s weird. I didn’t call 911.

Officer: Could anyone else in the residence have called 911?

Me: (shouting upstairs). Jeff, did you call 911?

Jeff: (shouting downstairs). NO

Me: (shouting upstairs). Are you sure?

Jeff: (shouting downstairs). It wasn’t me…I am on a conference call!

Me: (to the officer). What time did you say the call was placed?

Officer: approximately 14:58

Me: (looking confused because I was never in the army and prefer to use numbers 1 through 12 when stating the time…)

Me: (still calculating….if it is 15:13 right now and the call was placed at 14:58…that means it was about…)

Officer: about 15 minutes ago

Me: (shouting upstairs again). Jeff, how long have you been on your conference call?

Jeff: (shouting downstairs). About 15 minutes

That is when the officer and I look at each other with a nod of acknowledgement as if to say…goofy-silly husband upstairs obviously made the call on accident and is either too embarrassed or too stressed to admit it… Or at least I thought that is what our look meant. Until…

Officer: Is he able to come downstairs?

Me: (shouting upstairs). Jeff, are you able to come downstairs?

Jeff: (shouting downstairs). I am on a conference call.

Me: (apologetic face to the officer). I am really sorry. If we did call 911, it was a total accident. Everything is fine. Really.

That is when the officer sat in the door way staring at me for a full 30 seconds. In her mind, she was probably trying to weigh out the likelihood of whether this was a domestic disturbance case. …probably recapping what she learned in training… “protocol says I need to verify both adults are in good condition”…I could see it in her eyes. She was visualizing Jeff bruised and tied to a chair upstairs making up this whole “conference call” story to cover for the overbearing wife in an effort to prevent another beating.
I smiled.
She half smiled.
She walked the next 4 steps backwards…still staring me down ….
Another half smile and the door was closed…

Me: (shouting upstairs). If you happen to get murdered tonight, I am so-going to be blamed!

In other earth shattering news…

- Hayden proclaimed his favorite planet is the planet Earth. I have to agree.

- Davis learned to not eat his boogers and instead brings them to his unsuspecting mom as he says, “here Mommy.” I learned to refuse anything Davis hands me if it can fit between his thumb and pointer finger.

- Hayden learned that doing a jump-and-swing while holding hands between two adults just isn’t the same as doing a jump-and-swing while holding hands between Davis and I. Picture this. The aftermath was Davis lying on the ground of the parking garage with a bewildered look, wondering what just happened…Hayden on top of him…and me doing everything I possibly can not to fall on them both. Once we all got up and dusted off, I spent the next minute or so cracking up. It was something so funny; I was actually wishing someone had witnessed it to laugh with me.

- I learned how to jumpstart a car after not one, not two, but three dead batteries in the Honda Pilot. This is a big step for me, because until recently, all I knew about jumper cables is that you could explode if you did something wrong. But seriously, it’s 2008, shouldn’t all cars these days turn the lights off automatically?

- I received a free pedometer at work as part of the new wellness program. It made me more aware of just how little I move on a daily basis. Just to give you an idea, it is about 1000 steps each way to get from my car, to the daycare, to my chair….and I think I walked a total of 2200 steps yesterday. That being said, I just walked three steps as I typed this. Needless to stay, it isn’t the highest quality pedometer.

- I played (and won) several games of chess (AKA chest, as Hayden refers to it). I can thank the stupid writers on their stupid strike for my dusted off chess skills. Please ignore this next message that is intended for any union writer’s reading my blog….

Come on writers! Give it up! You make enough money! Grab your pencil, wipe your tears, and write another Grey’s Anatomy episode! You can only beat your husband at chess so many times before it gets boring!