Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Top 5 things to do before I retire:

1) Throw out a made up acronym in a meeting, and see if anyone questions it. I have been working here for almost 4 years, and rarely do I go to a meeting where someone doesn’t use an acronym I’ve never heard of (excuse the double negative, Kellie). Don’t get me started on the times I have casually asked my manager with 20+ years of experience what something stands for, only to be told, “I think it is like….fill-in-the-blank-with-random-words-that-begin-with-letters-in-the-acronym”. Uh yea, I got that far using context clues. I just thought someone would actually know the exact words the letters represented.

2) Send out a memo the top management (who all think they are exempt) with the definition of deadline. RE: definition of a deadline; a time limit, as for payment of a debt or completion of an assignment. When you turn something in late, I in turn miss my deadline. Help me help you. Actually no, just help me help me…you are already successful enough.

3) Yell about something during a meeting. It amazes me how emotional people get during meetings. Everyone always says that as an analyst you should make decisions for the company as if it were your own. That is a great theory, but I just can’t see myself being that person to throw a binder and a hissy fit regarding whether the new elevator will cost $800k or $1.2M (as in the case of the meeting today).

4) Create a ridiculously silly code-name for a project. As if the acronyms aren't bad enough, we also have code names for secretive projects. I can understand the reasoning for the most part since some people (not to name names, Ms. Martha Stewart) have been known to misuse private information for their own monetary gain. I am on board with that. But seriously, do we have to change the code name on what seems like a weekly basis. I just got out of a meeting and didn’t get the memo (literally) that the code name had changed. You’d would think I was working for the CIA, and knew the whereabouts of Bin Laden. This same particular project has had 3 different names—and completely RANDOM names at that. I find myself more curious about who came up with the names and what inspired the change than the actual project itself. Anyway, when I am at whatever level you have to be at to create code names for projects, I am going to come up with all sorts of arbitrary code names to leave the peons wondering. Meet me at 2 to discuss Project Phone, but when you put it on the calendar, call it Project Trampoline and if you send out a pre-read, title it Project Stadler.

5) Require someone at the door to show me their badge before allowing them to follow me in. In the name of security and post 9/11, I can understand and appreciate the vigilance here at the home office. But seriously, do I look like a terrorist? Even when I was 9 months pregnant, I faced this problem. It always amazes me on those mornings that I don’t have my badge and try to tail-gate someone in, when they turn around and say “Can I see your badge” or “What area do you work in”. I’m not talking about the security guards either, I am talking about co-workers who I guess I don’t look familiar to. My usual sarcastic response is, “If I was going to do something bad to the building, I wouldn’t do it this early in the morning”. Most don’t respond, and reluctantly let me in. I guess I don’t understand it because I am such a trusting person. If someone tried to follow me carrying a backpack with wires sticking out of it, I would probably just assume they were an electrician doing some testing. I’ll keep you posted on the day that I snap at the 60 year old secretary to show me some ID.

No comments: