Adventures in Grocery Shopping

If you are looking for a blog full of how to's and wonderful recipes, this is probably not the one for you....but if you are looking for a blog that makes you feel better about yourself for doing routine tasks that should be easy -  you're in the right spot.

Last weekend was an extended one because the kids were out of school for Martin Luther King Day.

Side note - apparently the kids these days refer to it as MILK weekend. (I'm proud to say that it only took me thirty seconds to figure out what that meant). 

Anyway, the long weekend without any real plans was topped off by the fact that Jeff has officially entered his "busy time schedule" for the new deal he is working on.

Which meant he worked all weekend long.

On weekends and holidays, my kids tend to be homebodies - moaning and groaning about doing much of anything including fun stuff like going to the park or on a bike ride.

So, I did what any adventurous mom would do.

I loaded them all up and headed to the grocery store. And in a bold attempt at bribery, I promised the kids that they could each buy a new toy.

(With their own money).

We needed only the basics to survive the weekend so we could make a proper sandwich out of something other than carb-balance tortillas and cream cheese.

Three Hundred and Thirty Six Dollars later, I think I think it's safe to say that I am officially the world's worst grocery shopper.

Especially when I am hungry and trying to keep four kids happy.

After I meandered the grocery aisles letting the kids talk me into tons of stuff we didn't need, I found myself standing in the toy aisle examining every. last. Lego. box. that Walmart had in inventory.

The boys were deciding which ones they could afford - and also had the time to tackle over the weekend.

Hayden decided on one that was above a $9.99 sign, but since was an entire Lego city - and had over 40,000 pieces we both knew it was just in the wrong spot. Since Walmart has removed all of those price checker thingies (I know because we walked the entire store looking for one) we just decided to wing it.

That bad decision is how Hayden ended up with his first $70 Lego set and an outstanding $5 loan from Davis.

Finally - FINALLY - we were finished grocery shopping and toy shopping and made our way to the check out line.

And that's when for some reason....A REASON TOTALLY UNEXPLAINABLE....I decided to go through the self-checkout line.

With THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX DOLLARS worth of groceries and four kids and NO ROOM to put any of the bagged groceries.

Let's just say that the poor soul that has the brutal task of managing the 4 "self-checkout" lanes had to come over to my area no less than 17 times to clear an error. 

About 1/3 of the way through ringing out my own groceries...I think it was one of the times I was waiting for the cashier to come over and examine the "unknown item in the bagging area", I realized what a HUGE mistake the self-checkout line was.

I stopped. I took a deep breath. And I seriously considered voiding my transaction and starting over in a line with a cashier. At that point, it didn't even matter if the cashier took out his teeth. But then I thought better of it and kept on plugging away in an effort to accelerate The Self Check-out Fiasco.

Meanwhile, Davis was trying to help me by scanning items as well....and then putting them back in the basket. Not in a bag. (That probably accounts for thirty dollars or so of my over budget).

Behind me, Hayden was tending to Blake and Nathan.

The once-empty self check-out line quickly began to fill up with customers. Customers who were all looking at Me and My Hoodlums. I felt eyes peering at me from every direction.

At one point, Blake started to squeal and I turned around to see Hayden holding Blake's arms down.

So I stopped scanning (don't worry - Davis  scanned a few more items) and reprimanded Hayden for restraining Blake and making him squeal.

Then I got back to scanning.

That's when I heard "excuse me ma'am....excuse me ma'am....excuse me ma'am" from behind me.

I turned around right in time to see someone we'll call Mr. Mediator Man (another Walmart guest) raising his eyebrows and pointing squarely at Blake, who was whacking Nathan with a loaf of bread that very instant.

The man didn't say anything else. But his raised eyebrows said it all.

He expected me to apologize to Hayden and reprimand Blake before I rang out one more item.

So I stopped scanning again (don't worry - Davis scanned a few more items). I apologized to Hayden and said something in a very stern voice to Blake...if only to appease the long line of self-checkout customers that had suddenly turned into baby-sitters.

----
The moral of the story:
Don't self checkout with more than 3 items.
Don't bribe your kids with toys.
Don't buy something if you don't know the price of it.
Don't go to the grocery store hungry.
Don't go to the grocery store with four kids.
Just don't go to the grocery store.

***Just so no one feels sorry for my boys, 

we also went to the park, went to a play area, 

had three play dates and a sleep-over. 

The Day Hayden Found Out About the People of Walmart

One evening last month I was coaching Davis' DI team in the dining room. It is a team of seven kids and the meetings include a lot of interaction and brainstorming to solve a challenge.

Because Blake and Nathan's voice can be heard round the world, Jeff often uses this time to get the other kids out of the house so that the team can focus without the sounds of complete mayhem filling up the room.

This particular night he took them to the grocery store to pick up a few things and invited Hayden along to help him.

Jeff managed his way through the aisles of the store and picked up our organic fruits, vegetables, and milk.

(And mac and cheese and pop tarts).

You know, the basics.

I'm sure it was quite a scene - as it always is when you have a man overseeing three kids and two baskets (one for the kids and one for the food).

Anyway, Jeff and the kids made their way to the checkout line and an elderly cashier began ringing up their groceries.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

When the man went to scan the milk he accidentally dropped it and it began to leak. He held it up to show Jeff.

Jeff acknowledged that it was in fact leaking and then kind of paused - hoping that the cashier would call over a manager? another cashier? a runner? to go to the back of the store and grab another gallon of milk, given the Retail Industry is all about the customer.

But instead the man just sat there continuing to hold up the jug of milk and asked "Do you still want it?"

"Uhm. No. I guess I will just go grab another one." Jeff said, a bit shocked by the whole exchange and knowing he couldn't show back up to the house without milk since we seem to go through about 33 gallons a week.

Jeff thought for a minute and decided that it was too much trouble to drag the kids and the carts all the way to the back of the store with him - so he asked Hayden to go.

Hayden quickly declined.

(Hayden is the type of kid that could get lost in his own bedroom - and he knows this about himself.)

So Jeff decided to do it alone. But before he left, he instructed Hayden to STAY NEXT TO THE BABIES - AND DON'T LET THEM JUMP OUT OF THE CART!

Hayden nodded like a deer in the headlights and Jeff started trekking through the store- around the $5 movie bin, through the women's workout clothes - past the wine and to his destination - the Great Value Milk.

While Jeff was on his way, the elderly cashier stopped ringing groceries behind the counter and made his way over to stand next to Hayden and the grocery carts.

Maybe he overheard the stern warnings from Jeff to NOT LET THE BABIES JUMP OUT OF THE CART or maybe the man just wanted to use the extra time to get to know Hayden - but whatever the case he was now positioned in the checkout line with Hayden, Blake and Nathan.

And that's when he began his ice breaker questions.

Elderly Cashier Man: Hi!

Blake: Hi!

Hayden: silently thinking:  whenisdadcomingback? whenisdadcomingback? whenisdadcomingback?

Elderly Cashier Man: How old are you?!

Blake: Free! (Three)

Elderly Cashier Man: Can you take your teeth out?

Hayden: silently thinking:  whenisdadcomingback? whenisdadcomingback? whenisdadcomingback?

Blake: No! (confused, intrigued - I have no idea what Blake is thinking at this point)

Elderly Cashier Man: Do you want to see me take my teeth out?

Hayden: silently thinking:  whenisdadcomingback? whenisdadcomingback? whenisdadcomingback?

Blake: YES! 

***

And so that's the story of how Hayden found himself in the Walmart check out line at age 10, making sure that two small children DID NOT JUMP OUT OF THE CART while the cashier pulled out his fake teeth and held them up for all to get a closer look.

I can only imagine Hayden's face.  

When he got home that night and retold the story, he took a long sigh and asked - Why are people in Walmart SO WEIRD?!?

And while I couldn't answer that question, I let him know that there is an entire website dedicated to that very topic (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com), but told him that we have to continue shopping there because they really do offer a Great Value. 

Then I rubbed his head and told him that one day - when he gets to be a grown up he can start shopping at Market Street and Central Market and all those other fancy-shmancy grocery stores that probably hire cashiers that won't take out their teeth in an effort to make conversation. 

{Oops}

So, as it turns out, you should never go to Walmart during naptime.

Not even if your new, naive, stay at home logic tells you

 that it will "wear him out" and he will take a really good nap when he gets home.

Not even if you think chicken nuggets and a fancy Suburban

of shopping carts will win him over.

Don't be fooled by the picture above.

Less than five minutes before that picture was taken, Blake was

literally flopping on the ground behind the cart. I could have buckled him

in but I knew that he would not like that and he when he doesn't like something,

he will let the world know.

So I stopped and regrouped.

Just then, Elmo happened to call on my iphone and

so I let Blake take the call.

I got everything under control but  this lady must

have been following behind me for the whole dragging incident

because just as I got him sitting in the seat and happy, she walked by me

and said "Bless Your Heart."

Read that sentence again.

She didn't just think "Bless Your Heart."

or mumble "Bless Your Heart."

She wheeled her cart up next to me.

Stopped.

Looked me in the eyes.

And Said "Bless Your Heart" with a subtle tilt of her head

and knowing nod.

I am sure she was trying to make me feel better. I guess?

But I couldn't help but take it as a big, fat,

"Needs Improvement"

stamp on my goals I posted the other day.

To make matters worse, I ran into an old co-worker while I was there. 

I was erroneously assuming that everyone I know works, therefore no one would

recognize me at Walmart. I was wearing black yoga pants, hair in a messy bun,

no make up and looking like the definition of a worn out mom.

Oops.

{Guilty Pleasure}

Long drawn out trips to Walmart are my guilty pleasure -

and if it's my lucky day, it may even include a free knife

if I sit through a terrible wood/metal/tomato cutting presentation.

Poor Nate.

He has no idea what's in store for him in the coming days.

Twenty Six: Buying Stock in Wal-Mart

Tonight, I planned to write a blog about our weekend anniversary getaway and how amazing it was.

About how it was my first ever stay in a suite (SWEET!).

And how Jeff had splurged on the “Baby-moon” package which came with all sorts of goodies like baby gifts (adorable!), and fresh fruit (yum!), and sparkling water (yuck!), and a one hour massage at the spa (Ahhhh!).

But those plans were derailed when we got home from the big weekend and l I decided to run up to Wal-Mart for a “quick errand” while Jeff put together Blake’s room.

TWO HOURS LATER I returned.

Unfortunately I had to return something, so before I even started shopping I waited in the customer service line for thirty minutes. Then I mistakenly continued on my merry-shopping-way for the few items I needed, reasoning that the lines would die down by the time I needed to check out.

MISTAKE #1.

If I wasn’t addicted to the rollback pricing model at Wal-Mart, that would have been the last straw. I am used to lines. I have been to Wal-Mart on the day before Thanksgiving. On Christmas Eve…and even returned something on the Day After Christmas…but apparently I have never seen the madness that is Wal-Mart on the day before August 16th???

It’s not even like people’s baskets were filled to the brim with school supplies. Trust me. I was looking for a reason for all the craziness. And it was just normal every day purchases.
I of course made matters worse by picking the 20 items or less lane.

MISTAKE #2.

Apparently there are new rules regarding the 20 items or less lane.

First of all, the lane really means 20-50 items (give or take).

Second, the more coupons or price matches that require supervisor approval THE MERRIER.

Oh, and if you happen to see someone standing ahead of you in the 20 items or less line that you sort of know, or might be related to, you can move your basket in front of everyone else as long as you mention you “are together." Meaning you know each other, but are not necessarily grocery shopping concurrently, or even checking out on the same receipt.

That happened in my line THREE TIMES.

Fortunately for the family (or group of people that all “knew each other”), there was a buffer, another couple, between us. This couple was obviously annoyed by all of the cutting, but clearly MUCH nicer than me. Right after I took this picture, my phone died, which meant I had to entertain myself for a full twenty minutes without Facebook or Words With Friends.

Just as the NICER couple was finally close enough to the checkout to start breathing a sigh of relief, I pushed my basket around them and motioned with my head toward the family ahead and said “I’m with them.” Since the family that all "knew each other" BUT CHECKED OUT SEPARATELY were all Asian, I thought it was fairly obvious that I was joking. But apparently not. The girl looked like she was about to lose it. Once I started laughing and said I was kidding, there was just a little less tension in the line, and the nice couple laughed too.

Until five minutes later when MANAGER APPROVAL WAS NEEDED AGAIN.

And ohmygosh, if I don’t avoid Wal-Mart-Tax-Free-Event-Next-Weekend like it is the freaking plague, someone please shoot me.

All that to say, I will tell you about my romantic weekend another time. It has sort of been overshadowed by the fact that I NEEDED to buy Hayden hair gel for his new haircut --- Davis insect repellent for his never-ending chiggers --- and Jeff some beer so he will finish putting together Blake’s room.